Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
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I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Unimpressed
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.