My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
You Might Also Like
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
PLOT TWIST:
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
You got this…
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
You wish you had this many chins.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.