Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
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Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
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