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Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
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I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
How do you milk an almond?
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals