Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
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back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job