Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
You Might Also Like
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
In space, no one can hear…
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care