I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
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“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants