The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
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Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*