“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
You Might Also Like
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud