Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
You Might Also Like
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms