When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 馃槀
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I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water鈥i look up, shaking my head}鈥ecause of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Ironically I鈥檓 watching an exercise infomercial because I鈥檓 too lazy to get the remote.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
flight attendant: sir u can鈥檛 bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Me: I鈥檓 not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I鈥檓 in your fridge late at night like this!
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”