The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
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[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…