Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
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whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM