[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
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If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
moms in horror movies
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too