Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
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If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.