*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
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Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”