me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
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Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too