I hate everything
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[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.