I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
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This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]