I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
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I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.