Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
You Might Also Like
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.