My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
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If only
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
🔦🌙👣
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
good morning
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
love it when they get my name right
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.