me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
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Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
2 years later
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped