Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
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me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.