All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
You Might Also Like
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
your elf on the shelf was delicious
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice