If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
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[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
at ease…shoulder.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍