I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
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Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
A couple who are silly together stay together.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?