Happy thanksgiving
You Might Also Like
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.