What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
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I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
what
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.