Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
You Might Also Like
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Running from your problems is cardio .
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie