Batman v Dracula
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I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
🤭😂
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.