Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
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(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Meow
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”