ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
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OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?