Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
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*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Bit chilly again tonight.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Chicken bread
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.