POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
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Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
.. do you even science?
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.