Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
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When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
They’re called werewolves.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.