“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
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Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
going to the ER y’all need anything
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.