I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
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Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.