[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
You Might Also Like
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.