Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
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Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Chicago sounds lovely.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”