Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
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In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.