A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
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Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Okay
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”