The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
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I’m a self-made hundredaire
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
man i love columbo
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself