Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
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[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Drive like no one is watching.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame