She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
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My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”