I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
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Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
This is the one
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.