observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
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Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
handsome & gretel
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.