Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
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Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid