HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
You Might Also Like
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.