Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
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Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I’m having an out of money experience.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.